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~ by Carol Vartuli
There comes a time in our lives when the spirit of Christmas reveals itself, in its broadest, non-religious sense. The sparkle from gold and gems, or tinsel and ribbon, is equal. And a loving smile outshines them all.
"Some years ago,” one older father recalls, "I asked my kids to stop buying me stuff. I asked them for ’experiential gifts’ only. That year, my daughter arranged an outing to go horseback riding, along with my grandkids. I had often remarked that my father loved to ride, but that I never had the chance."
It was a gift the dad still tells his friends about: the chance to build new memories. An experiential gift doesn't require spending a lot of money. It could be as simple as a walk or ride to somewhere new. The real value is the love, attention, and time.
"Appreciation, sharing happy memories, and letting them know how their words or actions make a difference in your life are the big things," according to one adult daughter.
Of course, there are many little things that could be appropriate gifts for older parents, if you spend some time with them to figure out what they would appreciate. A large-button telephone, for example, or performing some tasks around the house for them, will be enjoyed most for the loving thought behind them.
Sometimes, knowing what parents don't want reveals clues to what they would like. One aging mother gave her daughter a list of what she no longer wanted as presents: "perfume, dusting powder, little statues, lacey hankies, or jewelry." She had, however, remarked that she wanted a clean house, so her daughter got her a cleaning service.
Depending on your loved ones’ lifestyles, physical abilities, and financial status, there's a range of functional gifts, such as:
Giving useful gifts shows you care and are interested in their lives. The best gift, according to parents, is simply your presence.
One mother summed it up this way: "Your time. I'm fine with 30 minutes here and there. A phone call, not a text message; I want to hear your voice. Bring me dinner occasionally: Your leftovers are fine. Come over and take my garbage out. Most of all, tell me you love me. That is the greatest gift of all."
"I love you" is a perennial gift. Call your parent or grandparent often, and always end with "I love you." For a family member whose life is growing short, our love and appreciation is the most precious gift we can give.
Although we wish to avoid the painful truth, clinical psychologist Kristina Hallett, PhD, says that "People who are ill and dying are aware of the fact and having thoughts about their life and mortality. Often, [they are] concerned about the impact on those they will leave behind. Initiating the conversation gives them permission to share their thoughts and feelings."
Sherry Cormier, PhD, a certified bereavement counselor, puts it in the words of the person who is leaving: "We want our loved ones to be receptive listeners. We want conversations that matter. We also want them to share their love and gratitude for us and what our life has meant to them."
Starting such a conversation may seem daunting, but there are a couple of ways. One is to bring old photos to reminisce about their (and your) younger days. Another is to ask how they feel about their lives. What are their fondest memories, the most important things they learned, and how they feel about their life's journey?
The end of a calendar year is a natural time to reflect that our lives have cycles, too. That discussion can never be premature, since we can also lose loved ones unexpectedly. Why not give the gift of love over and over, many times throughout the year?
Happy Holidays from all of us at The Osborn and Osborn Home Care!
The information in the above article is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.